Chances Stolen
by Jessica237
Summary: EC. Chances not taken in the past now became, for the future, chances stolen. Calleigh angst. Contains spoilers for Man Down; character death.


**This is an alternate post-ep for Man Down; what if Eric had had a different fate? Contains spoilers for that ep, as well as a character death. Anyway, thanks for reading. :)  
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Daybreak's rising had come and gone, but in the sky over the city, it was barely noticeable. Early risers hit the freeways, their headlights bright as they maneuvered through the uncharacteristic darkness. Those who were less than morning people chose to sleep in, either intentionally or not, the lack of light and the sound of rain on roofs overhead tricking their internal clocks into thinking night was still upon them. There was one, though, who felt as though the darkness would never leave, even if the sun did shine again.

Dark clouds, heavy with rain, completely shielded much of the city from the early rays of the sun, the resulting darkness feeling more like midnight than the current hour. Angry raindrops fell loudly on the roof overhead, the sound far from being the calming euphony she'd always found it to be before. Today, it was a constant, hollow cadence that did nothing more than remind Calleigh of her loneliness, of her sudden hopelessness. She felt isolated, more alone than she'd ever felt before in her life.

Shivers consumed her body, despite the heat of the blankets that tightly encased her. She hadn't been able to find warmth for days now. Calleigh lacked the energy to even try; she lacked the energy to do anything. All of it had been taken from her; taken from her in the form of her best friend, her favorite coworker, her possibility of something more.

Throughout the night she'd lain awake, unable to sleep – unable, and unwilling. Calleigh wasn't ready for dreams just yet, because she knew exactly what she would dream of – Eric. Even before, she'd dreamed of him several times a month. She'd taken it as a warning, a sign of danger – Eric filled her thoughts during the hours of daylight, and now he was beginning to infiltrate her dreams, her one true escape from feelings unknown.

His smiles made butterflies flutter wildly in her stomach. Butterflies; honest to goodness butterflies.

His mere presence, his intoxicating scent assaulting her senses was enough to make her heart skip beats; the way he said her name caused her heartbeat to quicken in her chest. She'd never had such a physical reaction to a man before; what Eric did to her was unreal.

His voice…it didn't matter what he was saying to her – it could be personal, it could be flirty, or it could be nothing more than case talk, but whatever he said to her always came close to melting her completely into the ground. The only thing that garnered more of a reaction from her were the slight, accidental touches here and there.

They were feelings that had frightened her; they were so unfamiliar to Calleigh, and she didn't know what to do. She'd felt as though she were losing control of her heart, and the only thing she'd been able to do was put distance between herself and Eric. It killed her to be away from him, but it scared her to fall victim to the feelings he elicited in her.

And now, she was having to face an even more frightening reality. Falling victim to those unfamiliar feelings might've scared her, but that was nothing compared to the fear that gripped her as she realized that never again would those feelings take hold of her. All she had left were memories, and those were never as real as the real thing. Memories of the past just weren't the same as the thoughts of the future, thoughts of what they could've had, thoughts of what she had lost.

Calleigh exhaled deeply, burrowing even deeper into the blankets. She felt the low rumbling of her stomach, having eaten nothing substantial in over a day. But there was nothing she could eat that wouldn't deliver the familiar pangs of nausea to her stomach. And furthermore, she lacked the energy necessary to make herself something; she lacked the energy to even care at this point.

The events remained hazy in her mind, and even though she personally hadn't been there, she couldn't stop her mind from replaying the scenes over and over again. Eric had hurried past her in the lab, making his way quickly to the elevator, and while Calleigh wasn't sure exactly where he was headed, almost on instinct she had called after him, bestowing a soft "_Be careful out there_," upon him.

At her words, Eric had given her one of his brilliant, heart-stopping smiles. "_Always am," _he'd called back, giving Calleigh a quick wink before the elevator doors sealed him away from her. And not once had Calleigh thought that that might be the last time she saw him, the last time he spoke to her, the last time he smiled at her.

And then, she'd heard the call-out on the radio. _Shots fired; officer down; request assistance immediately. _A cold block of fear had dropped into her stomach; she just knew. In that moment, she just knew it was Eric.

Somehow, she'd managed to make it to the hospital, Ryan at her side. At that part of the memory, Calleigh rolled angrily to her other side, her eyes stinging as she wished she could stop the reel within her mind. She'd spent the entire night going over and over this; why couldn't she just stop? She was tired of feeling her heart break over and over again.

But her mind ignored the aching of her heart, and instead it continued with the memory, playing on in ever vivid color.

-

_Horatio Caine; the picture of calm, cool collectedness. Very rarely was it that something frazzled him to the point of shutting him down, and in fact, Calleigh could only remember once before that it had happened. Ironically, it was a very similar situation to this – Speedle had just been killed by enemy gunfire. _

_He did his best to maintain that picture of calmness, but Calleigh wasn't fooled for a second. As soon as he'd walked in the door, she'd quickly stood, Ryan close behind her as she crossed the room to Horatio, her heels echoing in the far too quiet room. For the longest time, nothing was said. Horatio merely stood, his steady hands fidgeting with his sunglasses, and all Calleigh wanted to do was stomp forward and rip those sunglasses out of his hands and throw them to the ground. Anything to get him to speak to her; anything to get him to tell her Eric was going to be okay. _

_So badly she wanted to, but her feet were rooted to the spot. She stood motionless, staring at her boss, wishing he would raise his eyes from the sunglasses in his hands; wishing, and dreading all the same. The moment he looked at her with those clear blue eyes…she would know. _

_Calleigh needed to know, but not the wrong answer. She needed to know the answer that would make everything right; the answer that would send them out searching for an attempted murderer rather than a successful one. Dry was her mouth; she lacked the words necessary to break into the conversation, the proclamation that could change her life forever. In her chest, her heart pounded erratically, and combined with the rolling sensation in her stomach and the breathless dizziness that had come over her as Horatio had entered the room, she felt moments away from being sick. The waves of nausea just kept crashing into her, and she'd yet to even hear anything at all._

_She'd known it was bad when the nurse's face went blank upon hearing Eric's name. Refusing to give Calleigh or Ryan a straight answer, she'd quietly led them both to a private room before quickly hurrying back out. For what felt like hours, Calleigh was left alone with Ryan, the only sounds in the room the angry ticking of the clock and the nervous tapping of Ryan's fingers, and while the sound ate gradually at Calleigh's nerves, she couldn't find it within her to snap at him. Words were not something that either of them could find in those moments, even though subconsciously they both knew the other needed to be reassured._

_Reassurance was hollow, though, when the person giving it didn't believe in it either._

_And now, they were joined by Horatio, who seemed unable to meet their eyes. The more time that passed, the more ice water infused itself into her veins, numbing her from the inside out. With every intention of asking the most important question, Calleigh opened her mouth, only to find that her words died at her lips._

_Somehow intuiting that Calleigh was unable to, Ryan beside her took the initiative, lifting the burden from Calleigh's shoulders. "H…how's Eric?" _

_Calleigh wanted to shake him, because for several moments, Horatio did not reply. Didn't he know what he was putting her and Ryan through? Couldn't he just tell them he was okay already?_

_But the moment eventually came that Horatio looked up, and though he looked directly at them, it was almost as though he wasn't seeing them at all. His normally bright blue eyes were dull, clouded, and if Calleigh would allow herself to see it, pained. A deep breath he took, choosing his words as carefully as possible, though knowing there was no way to soften the blow. "Eric…" he began, an uncharacteristic tremble in the single word. Clearing his throat, he began again. "They, um, they did…everything they could," he said uneasily, once more dropping his eyes. "There was too much blood loss…his brain was irreversibly damaged by the bullet. They tried…but he never had a chance. He's – he's gone."_

_At the words, Calleigh felt her knees wobble; she felt a quick, tight pain in her chest, almost as though a bag of bricks had been thrown at her. And then, she felt nothing. Her body fought the surge of adrenaline and the will to cry with numbness, a numbness that consumed her entirely, closing down her emotions and her ability of sensory perception._

_She didn't even feel as Ryan gently clasped her hand; she didn't feel the reassuring squeeze that came from his fingers. Reassurance was nothing she would ever be able to find again; her source of reassurance was gone. _

_Eric was dead. _

_-_

The numbness hadn't lasted forever; it had only carried her through until she could finally be alone for more than a few hours. In the lab, she remained the stoic one, the one who carried the rest of her coworkers through such an unimaginable loss, some for the second time. At the funeral, she'd been the strong one, the one others sought comfort from. So much of her life she'd spent being strong, holding back, when all she wanted to do was fall apart. And never before had she wanted more to fall apart.

She just didn't have somebody whose arms she could fall apart in.

A crash of thunder roared from overhead, but Calleigh didn't even flinch at the sudden noise. Laying on her side in her bed, she merely stared to the side, staring blankly into nothing. It was the position she'd been in almost ever since she'd gotten home from the funeral. A glass of wine she'd poured almost as soon as she'd closed the front door behind her, only to pour it out and opt for something stronger, for the first time truly understanding her father's inclination to drown his sorrows. She knew it would do nothing for her in the long run, but if it numbed the pain for the time being, then Calleigh would take the chance.

She'd stood in the kitchen and downed the entire glass in one swallow, feeling the burn at the back of her throat. But instead of dulling the pain, it only seemed to magnify it. Calleigh had been too strong for too long, and now that she was finally alone, she was close to breaking.

Only barely did she manage to undress before collapsing into her bed, physically exhausted, emotionally charged. And there, hidden by the covers that surrounded her, she let go of the fading numbness once and for all, tears of a loss greater than she'd ever imagined allowed to fall upon her pillow. She'd run from the pain until now, and now it hit her, full force.

A day since the funeral, and that pain had yet to fade in the slightest. It was an onslaught of thousands upon thousands of knives to her heart, each one cutting her deeper and deeper, shredding even further the shards of her wounded heart.

The pain she felt was unlike any other; so intense was it that Calleigh herself wanted to die. There was no other term for it - it was heartache; sheer, deep, debilitating heartache. Her very soul felt as though it'd been torn in half; she felt as though the one she loved, the one with whom she was meant to share her future had been taken away from her.

Magnifying the pain even more was the realization that it was love unrealized. Potential wasted, chances stolen. For years, she'd hidden behind blurry regulations, never allowing him too close, but not letting him drift too far either.

They'd danced around the issue so many times, too many times. Friendship wasn't enough for either of them, but Calleigh hadn't allowed herself to trust the idea of something more. Certainly she'd trusted Eric – _I trust you with every fiber of my being, and you know that –_ but the idea of crossing that boundary so irrevocably had frightened her. She'd lain awake many a night pondering that unrelenting possibility.

But now, she never had to worry about it again. She'd missed her chance; that door was forever closed, and in the worst possible way.

Eric was _gone._

On the side table sounded her alarm, signaling the beginning of a day otherwise masked by the darkness. With her first substantial movement in hours, Calleigh shot a hand out, immediately silencing the offending clock. The numbers, however, continued to glare back at her, and with her eyes stinging, she yanked the covers up over her head, wanting nothing more than to hide away there forever.

She wouldn't be going in to work today; there was no way she could hope to function. Eric would be everywhere, and yet, nowhere. His presence was all over the print lab, the interrogation rooms, the break room, the locker room…Calleigh wouldn't be able to escape from him. The feelings would accost her, taunting her, reminding her of what she was never really destined to have after all.

She would never have the chance to wake up in his arms, having fallen asleep there after a night of slow, leisurely lovemaking. She would never have the chance to kiss his lips, to taste a unique sweetness that she couldn't get enough of. She would never have the chance to walk down the aisle toward him, seeing the love she herself felt reflected in his dark eyes. So many opportunities that she'd told herself she could live without, and now that they were taken away from her, she felt absolutely heartbroken.

There was no way she could pretend to get any work done like that, not when those very feelings, those realizations had her trembling in the comfort of her own bed.

For all the difficulty she'd had in admitting it before, it was a realization that came ever easily, almost mockingly, now that it was too late.

She'd loved him.

She'd fallen hard for him long ago, in a way she hadn't fallen for anyone before, and probably wouldn't fall for anyone else ever again.

She _loved_ him. And he was gone.

Eric was _dead._

She just couldn't comprehend it. He'd become such an integral piece of her life; how could she possibly go into work and not expect him to be there? How could she get coffee at that place around the corner on Tuesday mornings and not expect to sit at _their_ booth with him? How could she expect to make it through the worst of days without his smile to lift her up?

Calleigh had never let anybody get as close to her as Eric had gotten. He knew her like no one else could ever know her. And now that he was gone, Calleigh felt completely, utterly alone.

Once more, she felt the telltale stinging in her eyes, and instinctively Calleigh squeezed her eyes shut, trying to guard against the impending tears. She felt as though her heart was being ripped right from her chest; ripped out and shot with the very gun that had put that fateful bullet in Eric's head.

And suddenly, Calleigh found herself too exhausted to fight it. How could she be strong when the source of so much of her strength was gone? The stinging in her eyes had become too much to resist, and she curled her body up, bringing her knees in close to her chest, preparing herself for the emotional battle she was primed to face.

She knew she would hate herself for it once all was said and done, but that knowledge had no power when it came to her rocky emotions. A single tear became a steady flow of tears, stinging her cheeks and soaking into her pillow. The thought of Eric's eyes brought a shaky hand to her mouth, as though trying to hold back either the impending sobs or the equally impending nausea. The thought of his smile had her breath quickening as her lungs gasped for oxygen, oxygen that eluded them far too quickly.

It was the thought of his voice that sent her once more over the edge. That sweet, gentle voice, the one that always knew the right words to say to her, words that would always put a smile on her face and brighten her day.

Calleigh could still hear those very words echoing in her ears, and it was the honesty and the care in his voice that dissolved her control, bringing the tears in full force to her eyes as the sobs quickly overcame her, wracking her weakened body.

_"I'm always here for you, Calleigh."_

But now, for the first time, he wasn't. Never again would he be there for her; never again would he be there to lift her spirits with nothing more than that brilliant smile of his.

Never again would Eric be there to catch her. Chances not taken in the past now became for the future chances stolen. And, in a flash of irony that brought a fresh wave of sobs to her emotionally exhausted body, a realization struck her, a realization that shattered her heart even more.

After all his promises of always being there for her, Eric was gone _forever._

And never before had Calleigh needed him as badly as she needed him now.


End file.
